Faster Monkey! Cycle! Cycle!

Oh, hello LJ.

I know, I know, it's been a long time.

No, honest, I hadn't forgotten you were there.

Oh, for goodness sake, it's only been nine weeks.

I'm sorry, I didn't know you were all lonely and lost feeling.

Look, here's a picture of a baby panda, will that help?


Okay, okay. I'll buy some chocolate and treats and we'll go to the park. Will that make you feel better? Good. Now can I get on with doing a Collapse )

Anyway, that's all for now. I promise I won't be away for as long, next time.
Pants - monkey_matt


Fell down some stairs on the way home from work yesterday, like the right clumsy muggins that I am. Well, I fell halfway down them, to be absolutely precise - I managed to catch hold of the handrail with a combination of chin, thumb and right man-boob, all of which are now bruised (the thumb coming off worst with a nasty friction burn as well). If I hadn't done that, I would probably be in hospital right now.

Unfortunately, I didn't manage to catch hold of said handrail in enough time to avoid banging pretty much every other bit of my legs. Both ankles, both knees, the big toe on my left foot, and my right shin. I am some very interesting colours in the leg department, under all that hair. I look like I've been paintballing with hobbits.

Now, I'm not one to seek or even expect sympathy. I mean, I'm pretty clumsy at the best of times, and I seem to have a real genius for self-inflicted comedy injuries, so I have come to expect that when I do something stoopid I'll get a "point-and-laugh" response. But still... I was a bit miffed at the sheer delight that Mrs. Monkey took in phoning my parents yesterday evening so that they could join in with all the hysterical laughing.


The worst bit? The absolute worst bit? I hadn't even been drinking.

I am so ashamed...

Saru - monkey_matt

Tomato Viagra

This came into the shared inbox at work:

Tomato Giant - Gardener's Choice Tomato Tree

Grow tomatoes as big as grapefruits - up to 2 lbs each. These giant tree tomato plant can grow up to 8 feet or taller in just 90 days producing up to 180 lbs of supersized tomatoes.

Order today and we'll give you 3 of our big early hybrid tomatoes as our gift to you - just pay shipping and handling.

For only $10 you not only get 3 tomato trees, but you'll also receive 3 of our big early hybrid tomatoes - just pay S&H.

Supersize your tomatoes today.

Order Now

If you would like to remove yourself from this email list, please click [website removed]

Strangely, I feel more comfortable when people are offering to alter the size of my body parts, rather than offering me oversize GM mutant-fruit. Hey ho...

Sword - monkey_matt

I have frighteningly little time on my hands...

Something has just occurred to me, as I wandered the floors collecting books to send out. It has to do with the novel.

Collapse )

Whether all this will work or not is yet to be seen. I suppose we'll find out – possibly sometime towards the end of May.

Yup. That's the deadline. End of May. Leaves me three months for the Great Re–Write, where I shall be plunged into a morass of large scale editing the like of which has Never Been Seen Before. I'll be up to my hairy monkey pits in it.

Pants - monkey_matt


Time for my annual Public Service Announcement on dress sense and weather.

Ladies - I am aware that the sun is shining, and that it is unseasonably warm out there. I am also aware that you have been stuck in Glasgow for the duration of one of the most unpleasant* winters in recent memory.

Please Note: When you choose to sunbathe halfway up the concrete steps, you may not realise the extent to which you are flashing your undercarriage, particularly when you doze off.

Now, I'm fairly gentlemanly, for a monkey - were I single, and desirous of a look at your knickers, I'd do the decent thing and get you drunk first. As it is, I'm happily married, and (crucially) have absolutely no wish to see your knickers.

Thank you for your kind attention during this announcement. Normal service will be resumed shortly.

*Unpleasant, cold, but strangely beautiful.

Matt Facts - monkey_matt

Matt Fact #24

Yes, it's true: despite popular demand, Matt Facts are back!

Today's Fact is about comedy sequels. Don't worry, this doesn't mean that I've wasted some of my hard-earned MonkeyCash on that dreadful-looking Pink Panther movie, or that I'm going to waste time talking about the post-Sellers incarnations of M. Clouseau. Oh no, indeedy no.

But how about this for a useless piece of trivia: Mork & Mindy was actually a spin off of Happy Days, and from the episode My Favorite Orkan in particular. Now, I know, lots of people already knew that - but what most people don't know is that the Fonz was also an alien. Obvious, really.

Anyway, over and out, nanu nanu and all that.
Dark Monkey - monkey_matt


It had to go. At the point where I left the house yesterday and the wind gently tugged at its extremities, I realised that I had passed the point of no return. I mean, it had been four weeks to the day, and had grown to ridiculous proportions; old ladies had taken to crossing the street to get away from it. Children had been known to cry - grown men too - and dogs everywhere were barking and growling at the sight of it. Somebody pressed ten pence into my hand as I waited for the train, "for a wee cup of tea".

So, Au Revoir, beard, it was fun while it lasted, but you were starting to make me look like a tramp.

Kilt - monkey_matt


I really do wonder about my masculinity, on occasion. Not very often, I grant you - I've never been what you might call a "manly man". More "monkey man" than anything else, to be honest. But still.

Picture the scene: I am in my sitting room, with the Big Light on. (something important must be occurring, for the Big Light is never switched on, except for Momentous Occasions - just ask Peter Kay) Meanwhile, Mrs. Monkey has fallen asleep on the couch, taking up every available bit of space...

I, therefore, am not sitting down, let along stretching out supine in an attitude of solipsist relaxation. Oh no. I am busy. Ironing. Her tops. And - wait for it - watching The Devil Wears Prada.

Worst of all, I think I'm enjoying it...

I am so ashamed.